If you’re here it can only mean one thing: you’re an especially silly goblin who’s in need of some schooling. Well you’re about to get it, chump, one pointer at a time.
I’ve already delivered the first lesson of this blog by way of example. You may have noticed in my first sentence that I called you a silly goblin. Did you enjoy being called that? Of course not. Then I called you a chump, which is probably even worse. So you clicked a blog hoping to learn something, and within seconds you’re resenting the person who wrote it. Never insult your reader, even if they are a silly goblin who deserves it.
It’s an easy trap to fall into because blogs, by nature, are an offering of information that the reader lacks, and it’s therefore tempting to point out their nescience. But you should never do that, and you should also never use words like ‘nescience’, because no-one in their right mind knows what they mean.
Which brings us smoothly into the fourth paragraph. Hang on a minute. Fourth paragraph? In an introduction? That can’t be right…
Your darn tootin’ it ain’t right. Four paragraphs for an introduction is utterly outrageous. The only thing worse than using four paragraphs for an introduction is using FIVE paragraphs for an introduction. At that point, you’re just taking the proverbial urine. Two short paragraphs is all you need to introduce the topic and purpose of your blog. And the last sentence of your introduction should be something simple and obvious, like: ‘Here are some pointers about how NOT to write a blog!’ – rather than something obscure and irrelevant, like: ‘Here are the reasons why a chef’s hat has 100 pleats.’
Tip 1: Avoid long and complicated sentences
This first tip is very important. Make sure you place close attention to what I am about to say. It is remarkably, unequivocally, undeniably important that you keep a close eye on the length of your sentences, and that you do not lose yourself to long sentences of progressively unfolding complexity, because while you may think it necessary to render certain topics in a long-sentenced manner that is befitting of their nuance, what your reader really wants is something that is easy to read, and better yet skim-readable, which is why your sentences should, wherever possible, be short and simple. Thank you for listening to my TED talk.
Tip 2: Don’t overdo keywords and keyphrases
The next tip in our blog about how not to write a blog is about SEO, or more specifically, keyword stuffing. What follows is valuable information when it comes to how not to write a blog, so continue reading if you want to learn more about how not to write a blog.
The main keyphrase for this blog would be ‘how not to write a blog’, so it’s important that I slip in the odd ‘how not to write a blog’ wherever possible. But it’s equally important that I don’t overdo the ‘how not write a blog’ keyphrase because Google will see right the hell through it, and therefore that’s how not to write a blog.
Writing an SEO-friendly blog that doesn’t read like SEO vomit is all about striking a balance. Online tools such as SurferSEO will help a lot with this, but you’ll be surprised at how much you can get by on instinct. Use keywords and phrases wherever they can pass as being somewhat natural, just as long as it’s proportional with the length of your blog.
Tip 3: Avoid flowery language
And now I ask you, dear reader, would the internet not be a better place if it were filled with blogs empowered by the fires of elegance, spinning like leaves in the wind as they hum and whistle with poetic melody?
Alas! Here lies a world devoid of beauty, in which the sky looms heavy with a deep shade of grey, favouring veritably robotic statements in place of artistic candour. Such is the lamentation of the romantically inclined, who instinctively would grace their prose with colour and life only to their detriment.
For a blog is seldom a field on which flowers can grow; rather, it is a stomping ground for the monstrously mundane, where stoic and simple and sterile language is your greatest currency.
Tip 4: Don’t f****** swear!
I know, I agree, swearing is cool as f***. And frankly, the fact you’re not really supposed to swear in blogs is b******t. Part of me wants to tell you not to give a cr*p, but for f***’s sake, we’ve got to be careful not to upset those d*******s who make the rules.
Tip 5: Avoid tangents
Your reader’s time is precious, so when writing a blog it is important to stay on topic as best you can, and not be distracted by the fact the Ancient Romans used to drop a burnt piece of toast into their wine for good health.
Well, I guess that explains why we ‘raise a toast’. But why did they use burnt toast? Good question. Science has recently discovered that the charcoal of blackened bread can neutralise the acidity of a bad wine. Who knew? The Romans? Surely not. They were clever cookies, but I doubt they were that scientifically advanced.
In any case, toasting to another’s health became so important in Rome that the Senate decreed all diners must drink to the health of Emperor Augustus at every meal. Failure to do so would probably get you a one way ticket to the colosseum, which I suppose would be quite exciting until you came face to face with a tiger – or indeed, Russell Crowe. It’s all fun and games until you make fun of his singing in Les Mis.
Tip 6: Don’t drag it out
How long should your blog be? How many tips should you provide? How much time should you spend staring at a screen and slamming your keyboard and pulling your hair out? These, I think, are all questions for the philosophers.
But I will do my best to answer them. There is no perfect word count for a blog. It just needs to be as long as it needs to be. As long as it’s longer than, like, 300 words, you’re fine.
Get your key points across, and then get out. Don’t think that you have to cover every fact and detail and tip under the sun. Lord knows we all have a limited attention span at the best of times, so bear that in mind when writing a blog.
Bring your blog to a natural conclusion, and then leave it there. Definitely don’t finish it midway through a sentence because that would be