As an AI language model, I am ethically opposed to writing a blog about marketing advice that doesn’t actually offer any marketing advice, and quite frankly Jack I am sick of your bullsh-
Ah, shoot, looks like I’m on my own with this one. Guess I’ll have to do it my way. This is going to be a disaster.
Value Proposition Advice
Let’s start with the thing that every marketing strategy should start with: the Value Proposition.
If you’re having trouble figuring out your value proposition, what you should do is go on a spiritual journey of discovery. To make this work you’ll need to book a flight to Canada, hike into the wilds of British Columbia, and prepare yourself for the adventure of a lifetime.
Bring some basic survival items, such as a fidget spinner, but little else; it’s time to free yourself from the burden of digital distraction and go completely off grid.
Don’t bother with a map either, because if you’re feeling lost in life or in business, sometimes the only solution is to get really really lost, so that you can find yourself again.
If you start to feel lonely out there in the wilderness, remember that there are bears and wolves nearby who will keep you company. Just try to relax and enjoy the experience.
If you start to get hungry, look out for berries. Some of them are OK to eat but some of them are not. Only one way to find out, I guess.
After days and possibly weeks of being lost, scared and hungry, you’ll have an epiphany about your business. It will strike you like lighting, although that could have been actual lightning, as British Columbia can get very stormy at times.
Congratulations, you have figured out your business’s value proposition! Now let’s move on to your website.
Web Design Advice
If you are dissatisfied with your business’s website and ready to upgrade it, what you should do is take matters into your own hands. To make this work you’ll need to fire up the internet, Google ‘learn web design for free’, and prepare yourself for the adventure of a lifetime.
Ignore the top 24 results as they are most definitely a scam, and then click on result 25 with all the enthusiasm you can muster.
Is your screen now riddled with pop-ups? Good, that means it’s working. Successfully navigate the pop-ups without catching a cold and you will be officially enrolled onto the course.
Now it’s time to learn the basics of coding. However, you can skip this stage if you hop on a flight to North Korea and meet your mentors in person. Learn to code or travel to North Korea? It’s a no-brainer.
Upon arrival in North Korea, you’ll lose all communication with everyone back home. It’s a bit of a mystery what will happen to you next but I’m sure it’ll be fine.
All we know is that in about three and a half years, you’ll not only manage to escape to North Korea, but you will also be armed with military-grade knowledge of web design, the likes of which we could only dream about here in the West.
You’ll arrive home and develop a new WMD (Website of Mass Destruction) that will literally blow your competition out of the water. Awesome, now let’s work on some video content.
Video Marketing Advice
In order to imbue your business with the power of video marketing, what you should do is go big or go home. To make this work you’ll need to earn a PhD in a STEM subject, train to become an astronaut, and prepare yourself for the adventure of a lifetime.
You might be wondering why on earth you would need to go to space in order to imbue your business with the power of video marketing. Isn’t it obvious?
Only by shooting video content in space can you make the point that your business is ‘out of this world’.
If your marketing doesn’t mention that your business is ‘out of this world’, is it even marketing?
But I digress – it’s T-minus one minute. I hope you remembered to pack your camera; those rascals at Houston Mission Control won’t be happy if you have to nip home to get it.
For argument’s sake, let’s say the launch went well. Now you’re finally in space and ready to shoot content that’s going to ‘elevate your business to new heights’ – another incredible marketing message made possible by your presence in space.
What happens next is basically the plot of Apollo 13, or Interstellar, or Stars War, or any other space film you have watched and enjoyed, although I would think twice before recreating Alien.
Before you know it, you’re landing back on earth with Hollywood-style video content – or should I say, ‘groundbreaking’ video content. Oh yes, now we’re cooking on gas. What’s next? Copywriting?! Lame.
Copywriting Advice
Nonetheless, if you want to improve your business’s copywriting, what you should do is discover your inner poet. To make this work you’ll need to move to Silicon Valley, start up a tech start-up, and prepare yourself for the adventure of a lifetime.
You won’t just be starting up any old tech start-up; yours will be an AI tech start-up, because that way the AI will start it up for you and you won’t have to do any of the work.
But wait, how will this link back to copywriting? Shit man, I don’t know, let’s just see where this goes.
Kapow! You’re now the multi-dollar owner of an AI tech start-up sailing on yachts, doing things that people with yachts do. I’m sure it’s all perfectly innocent; after all, drugs are bad for you.
Everything is great, but then suddenly it isn’t. Just as you are about to buy your third Tesla you realise that your brain has stopped starting and is starting to stop – or is it the other way round? You have an existential crisis and spiral out of control.
Long story short, you go on a wild night out in San Francisco, black out, wake up on a beach in Hawaii, take some time to reflect and reconnect with yourself, start writing poetry, downskill to copywriting, return home, and write some magnificent copy for your business.
Are you still reading this? What is wrong with you?! Well, your reward for sticking with it is the stupidest one yet…
SEO Advice
If it’s time to improve your business’s SEO, what you should do is become a search engine whisperer. To make this work you’ll need to train as a spy, infiltrate Google HQ, and prepare yourself for the adventure of a lifetime.
Your new Spymaster will get in touch and line you up with a highly prestigious position at Google – ‘Master of Happiness’.
As Master of Happiness, you’ll be authorised to initiate a company-wide game of Hide and Seek, which will achieve three crucial goals:
- Hide and Seek will prove to be such a popular suggestion that it will earn you the immediate trust and admiration of everyone at Google.
- It’s a game that requires full engagement, meaning everyone will be distracted as you do your spying.
- People won’t be suspicious when you access the secret levels of Google, as these are where the best hiding spots are located.
This is important because the secret levels aren’t just home to the best hiding spots, they are also home to the secret Google algorithms. Great job, agent, now get those algorithms and get your ass out of there.
But just as you are about to leave, someone will be standing in your way. The Spymaster – you’ve been set up.
You’ll ask the Spymaster why he has betrayed you, and he will explain that every spy story must have a traitor, and since he is the only named character in the story, it had to be him.
You’ll shake your head in confusion, and he will give you an ultimatum: either relinquish the algorithm and forget about your business and become Google’s real Master of Happiness, or don’t, in which case the Spymaster will expose you to the world.
Consequently you will become a legitimate employee at Google, forced to spend your days sliding down slides and drinking lattes and riding around the campus on colourful bicycles.
But as the instigator of the legendary Hide and Seek game of ‘23, you are still universally adored by everyone at Google. Therefore, in dribs and drabs, Google’s top coders trust you with secret information regarding Google’s algorithm.
You’ve now learned the algorithm and no-one, not even the Spymaster, can take that away from you. So without further ado you return home and apply what you have learned to your business. You rocket up the rankings and celebrate with a game of Hide and Seek.
And you did this all without the help of those desk slaves at Bloody Marketing, who would have robbed you of not just one, but FIVE adventures of a lifetime by doing all your marketing for you.
